


Is Your Guy A....?

by Witchy1ness



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Gen, Stakeout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 08:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witchy1ness/pseuds/Witchy1ness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stakeouts are boring. Fortunately, there's a magazine left in Chloe's squad car that might help with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is Your Guy A....?

**Author's Note:**

> Lucifer the TV show and all its characters are property of Tom Kapinos and Fox. This is what happens when a plot bunny refuses to let. go. As far as I know, these word pairs aren't part of any magazine quiz that I'm aware of. Written in 2016!

**Cats or Dogs**

“You strike me as more of a cat person, to be honest.”

“Well, I _do_ love the-“

“I swear to _God_ , Lucifer, finish that sentence and not only will I shoot you again, but I won’t even feel bad about it!”

 

**Boxers or Briefs**

“I don’t even _need_ to ask you this one…”

“Ooh Detective, having some fond reminisces are we?”

“ _No_.”

 

**Blondes or Brunettes**

“Yes.”

“It’s an either or question, Lucifer, not a – you know what, never mind.”

“Although you should never underestimate the power of an attractive redhead….” 

 

**Apples or Oranges**

“Oranges.”

“Really? But I’ve seen you eat apples before, and there’s a bowl of them-“

“It’s to make a point, Detective. _Oranges_.”

 

**Tea or Coffee**

“Alcohol.”

“It’s not an option, Lucifer.”

“Which is bloody ridiculous. My answer remains.”

 

**Indoors or Outdoors**

“We’re just gonna skip this one….”

“But-“

“ _No_ , Lucifer. I know way more about your sex life than I ever wanted or needed to.”

 

**Knowledge or Ignorance**

“Knowledge, personally. Ignorance for everyone else, naturally. It makes them _much_ easier to manipulate.”

“Well, at least you admit it…”

“Really Detective, you make it sound like such a bad thing.”

 

**Cruel or Kind**

“I’m only cruel to be kind, of course.”

“Of course.”

“You don’t actually sound like you’re agreeing with me...”

 

**Hot or Cold**

“Is it really necessary to even ask me that? I like it hot, of course.”

“No surprise there – and _no_ Lucifer, no more details!”

“You should try a little heat sometime, Detective. It might help you melt that frigid – _ow_!”

 

**Easy or Hard**

“Oh come on! Now they’re not even trying… _don’t_ answer-“

“It’s so _easy_ to rile you, you know! Not _hard_ at all! Why-“

“OKAY, okay I get it! Moving on!”

 

**Create or Destroy**

“That’s really more my father’s prerogative.”

“Which one?”

“Both. He has a rather alarming tendency to destroy what he creates. Next.”

 

**Good or Bad**

“More like good at being bad…”

“What was that, Detective? Did you just _compliment_ me?”

“ _No_.”

 

**Love or Fear**

“Fear, of course. How else are people going to be properly motivated to do what I want them to?”

“You do realize that’s why Trixie hugs you, right?”

“I _knew_ the little beast was doing it on purpose!”

 

**Children or Pets**

“ _Ugh_. If absolutely required, children. At least they can be bribed into leaving you alone.”

“…you haven’t been bribing Trixie, have you?”

“What is that quaint human saying? Ah yes: I plead the Fifth.”

 

“ _Lucifer!_ ” 

Detective Chloe Decker stared slack-jawed at the unrepentant male sitting in her passenger seat. “You-! _What have you been bribing her_ – you’ve been giving her chocolate cake, haven’t you.” 

She groaned and thunked her head on the steering wheel. “I had to take her to Emergency at _three in the morning_ because she said her tummy hurt so much!” 

Lucifer watched her out of the corner of his eye, “You mean she didn’t tattle on me?”

Chloe glared at him. “No, she didn’t. So I had to ground her for a week. Now, I’m thinking it’s going to be two.” 

“Now _really_ Detective, isn’t that a little harsh?” 

“For hiding the fact that she’s been essentially black-mailing you for chocolate cake–“ Chloe paused, suddenly thoughtful. 

Lucifer turned to eye her warily, apprehensive about the reluctant smile making its way across the blonde’s face. 

“She…has been _successfully_ blackmailing you. _You_.” 

Taken aback, Lucifer nearly stuttered, “Now wait just one moment! I wouldn’t call it _black-mailing_ , per se –“ 

“No?” Chloe challenged him. “A nine year-old girl says she’ll hug you if you don’t give her chocolate cake. So you’ve been giving her chocolate cake – which I am _not_ happy about, by the way!”

Lucifer grimaced.

Chloe shook her head in fond exasperation. Or maybe it was just pure exasperation, she wasn’t quite sure.

“Oh relax, _Mom_. Chocolate cake never killed anyone…well, except for-“

“No!” 

Chloe held up a hand, “You know what? Never mind, I don’t want to know. But the cake bribing stops _now_. I mean it Lucifer. Actually, you are hereby forbidden from bribing my daughter with _anything_.”

“ _Fine_.” Lucifer slouched down in his seat and crossed his arms, and the brief thought that he looked kind of adorable when he pouted was firmly waved away.

“So what sort of date or personality or whathaveyou does that quiz of yours say I am, anyway?”

Chloe blinked, looking down at the forgotten magazine in her lap with surprise. She looked back at Lucifer, down to the magazine, and then sighed. “You’re just an asshole, you know that?”

“You needed a _quiz_ to figure that one out? I think I might have to revoke your badge, Detective.”

Chloe couldn’t quite fight the smirk that threatened to break across her face as she shifted back into position to monitor the stake-out, tossing the magazine onto the dashboard.

She vowed to never complain about stakeouts being boring again. There was no telling what Lucifer might suggest next time.


End file.
